Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
What Does “Full Disclosure” Mean?
Couples often have different ideas about what kind of information needs to be disclosed after an affair has been uncovered. Different therapists may have different ideas; however, we believe that full disclosure, after an affair, is in order. There is no other way to build trust if secrets remain.
Full disclosure means answering basic questions of “who, what, when and where” regarding the affair. It does not mean specific details of sexual experiences but does mean that details about frequency and meeting places during the affair are revealed.
Spouses who have been unfaithful usually do not want to talk about the details and those who have been on the “betrayed” end of the affair, often feel a need to have too much information. (For some, however, it may be that they don’t want to know details and this can be a problem as well.)
Full disclosure means answering basic questions of “who, what, when and where” regarding the affair. It does not mean specific details of sexual experiences but does mean that details about frequency and meeting places during the affair are revealed.
Spouses who have been unfaithful usually do not want to talk about the details and those who have been on the “betrayed” end of the affair, often feel a need to have too much information. (For some, however, it may be that they don’t want to know details and this can be a problem as well.)
Friday, June 17, 2011
My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?
My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?
The odds of an affair ending in a marriage are slim. One research study noted that only 10% of affairs lead to a successful marriage, so, the odds are in your favor. Especially if your marriage was in a fairly steady state before the affair began.
When people have affairs, they generally re-write the story of the marriage. For a while, those having an affair only think about the negative aspects of their spouse and their marriage. The intense reaction of excitement and euphoria that comes from this new relationship also leads to a belief in the “one true love” of their affair partner.
With time, peace and patience, healthy thinking and good judgment often returns.
For now, work on yourself. Talk with a professional, read self-help books about healthy marriages and being a healthy partner. Give your wife space … as hard as that seems to be. If you have children, stay connected with them in stable, loving ways. (Do NOT talk with them about the affair or say bad things about their mother.) Develop friendships with other men and couples. Learn a new hobby or return to ones that brought you pleasure in the past.
Would you like some coaching or help from a professional counselor who has helped many couples survive and heal from affairs? We are available in person or online. Click this link for our online counseling site, Counseling Relationships Online. Find out more about us and how we might work together.
The odds of an affair ending in a marriage are slim. One research study noted that only 10% of affairs lead to a successful marriage, so, the odds are in your favor. Especially if your marriage was in a fairly steady state before the affair began.
When people have affairs, they generally re-write the story of the marriage. For a while, those having an affair only think about the negative aspects of their spouse and their marriage. The intense reaction of excitement and euphoria that comes from this new relationship also leads to a belief in the “one true love” of their affair partner.
With time, peace and patience, healthy thinking and good judgment often returns.
For now, work on yourself. Talk with a professional, read self-help books about healthy marriages and being a healthy partner. Give your wife space … as hard as that seems to be. If you have children, stay connected with them in stable, loving ways. (Do NOT talk with them about the affair or say bad things about their mother.) Develop friendships with other men and couples. Learn a new hobby or return to ones that brought you pleasure in the past.
Would you like some coaching or help from a professional counselor who has helped many couples survive and heal from affairs? We are available in person or online. Click this link for our online counseling site, Counseling Relationships Online. Find out more about us and how we might work together.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Do Marriages Ever Make it After an Affair?
Many marriages do recover from an affair. The main difference for those that do recover is a desire to find a way to work through it and a commitment on the part of both partners to do what they need to do to make it work.
In couples who have experienced an affair, it may be quite difficult to walk the path through the “yuck” and out again. Often it is back and forth and in and out of easier and harder times.
Ending affairs are rarely easy and often they go through several “endings” before they are truly over.
Letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment takes time and, again, hard work.
Forgiveness does not come easy. Often it is harder for the partner who had the affair to forgive him or herself than it is for the betrayed one.
Getting over loving feelings for the affaire’ and falling back in love with a spouse may also take some time.
The commitment, desire and motivation to work together is an important factor that encourages spouses to hang in and solve the problems related to or caused by the affair.
One research study noted that 70% of couples who had that desire and commitment reported recovery from the aftermath and were satisfied that they made the decision to remain in the marriage.
In couples who have experienced an affair, it may be quite difficult to walk the path through the “yuck” and out again. Often it is back and forth and in and out of easier and harder times.
Ending affairs are rarely easy and often they go through several “endings” before they are truly over.
Letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment takes time and, again, hard work.
Forgiveness does not come easy. Often it is harder for the partner who had the affair to forgive him or herself than it is for the betrayed one.
Getting over loving feelings for the affaire’ and falling back in love with a spouse may also take some time.
The commitment, desire and motivation to work together is an important factor that encourages spouses to hang in and solve the problems related to or caused by the affair.
One research study noted that 70% of couples who had that desire and commitment reported recovery from the aftermath and were satisfied that they made the decision to remain in the marriage.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Tip of the Week
There Is a Hole in My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
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