What Does “Transparency” Mean When Healing from an Affair?

Most therapists who are working with couples who have experienced infidelity will push the unfaithful party to be transparent with their behavior until trust has been redeveloped.

While to the “offending” party, this may very well seem intrusive and overwhelming, to the relationship it is crucial. It says to the hurt partner that “my life is an open book” and I will tell you everything that you want and need to know.

How to be transparent when healing an affair is best left up to the one who has had the affair as an effort to build trust. When the hurt partner is asking or checking, it is destructive for both and for the relationship.

Transparency means opening up cell phones and email, refraining from deleting any messages and sharing any chance or intended meetings with the affair partner. It means sharing agendas and plans and keeping the spouse informed of daily activities. It certainly can feel a burden; and yet, it is so crucial to building trust.

Tip of the Week

People don’t just fall out of love in a marriage. If love dies, it is because they did not make their marriage a priority.

Why Is It So Hard To End An Affair?

Many affairs are hard to end because of feelings, emotions, proximity and “brain chemistry”.

Many affairs that have continued over time grew out of friendship. They may have started as neighbors, co-workers or longtime friendships and a spark was ignited as time together or certain experiences enhanced positive feelings for each other. Even after making the decision to end the affair, it may be hard because of caring, warm and loving feelings that seem to be very real.

Other emotions that may contribute to having difficulty ending an affair have to do with emotions such as appreciation, respect, excitement and companionship that tie people together. This is why affair recovery work involves understanding the impact of the affair and finding ways to find those emotions inside of the marriage.

Proximity can also make it hard to break off an affair. When living near or working with someone you are attracted to and have had a relationship with, it is hard to let go of memories and contact. (A clean break is always best.) While resolve to end the affair may be strong at first, it can easily weaken with ongoing contact.

Affairs, new experiences, actually involve a release of increased serotonin in the brain which brings about an increased sense of happiness and excitement. This change in brain chemistry is, in itself, seductive. Who would want to let go of that? When this change is linked to an affair partner, it is hard to give up the “drug” that provides an overall sense of happiness and well-being.

Tip of the Week

If you have had an affair and want to save your marriage, you want to find ways to accept responsibility for the affair rather than blaming it on the problems in the marriage.

It Is Hard To Talk About the Details of the Affair and It Is Hard Not To Talk About the Details of the Affair

So, is it better to talk about it or not?

The worst part of an affair is often the secrecy. Healing from an affair requires that there be openness, not secrets. In the long run, it is much better to talk about the basic details of the affair than to cover them up or smooth over them.

Talking about the basic details involves answering the questions of “who, what, when and where”. This does not mean details like the positions that were used. The partner who had the affair should answer the questions honestly. The other partner should only ask the questions that he or she is really ready to hear.

Denial, in the short run, often leads to an explosion in the long run and does not help a couple achieve the intimacy and connection that is imperative to prevent future affairs.

You have just read our opinion … professional therapists who have helped many couples through recovery from affairs. We would be interested in your thoughts and experiences. Please leave them in the comment section or head over to our forum on our Healing from Affairs website and share them on the message board.

Welcome To Our Blog, Healing From Affairs

We are glad that you found us. We plan to be writing regular entries about healing from affairs and would welcome your ideas and input.

We have already written several articles about affairs which are published on our other websites. Check them out at Healing From Affairs.com.

We also have articles on our Online Counseling website. We provide online counseling through phone, skype, email or chat to help you recover and heal from an affair. Read additional articles or explore the possibility of online counseling.