Monday, June 27, 2011

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What Does “Full Disclosure” Mean?

Couples often have different ideas about what kind of information needs to be disclosed after an affair has been uncovered. Different therapists may have different ideas; however, we believe that full disclosure, after an affair, is in order. There is no other way to build trust if secrets remain.

Full disclosure means answering basic questions of “who, what, when and where” regarding the affair. It does not mean specific details of sexual experiences but does mean that details about frequency and meeting places during the affair are revealed.

Spouses who have been unfaithful usually do not want to talk about the details and those who have been on the “betrayed” end of the affair, often feel a need to have too much information. (For some, however, it may be that they don’t want to know details and this can be a problem as well.)

Friday, June 17, 2011

My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?

My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?

The odds of an affair ending in a marriage are slim. One research study noted that only 10% of affairs lead to a successful marriage, so, the odds are in your favor. Especially if your marriage was in a fairly steady state before the affair began.

When people have affairs, they generally re-write the story of the marriage. For a while, those having an affair only think about the negative aspects of their spouse and their marriage. The intense reaction of excitement and euphoria that comes from this new relationship also leads to a belief in the “one true love” of their affair partner.

With time, peace and patience, healthy thinking and good judgment often returns.

For now, work on yourself. Talk with a professional, read self-help books about healthy marriages and being a healthy partner. Give your wife space … as hard as that seems to be. If you have children, stay connected with them in stable, loving ways. (Do NOT talk with them about the affair or say bad things about their mother.) Develop friendships with other men and couples. Learn a new hobby or return to ones that brought you pleasure in the past.

Would you like some coaching or help from a professional counselor who has helped many couples survive and heal from affairs? We are available in person or online. Click this link for our online counseling site, Counseling Relationships Online. Find out more about us and how we might work together.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Tip of the Week

To learn from the past, spend more time dissecting successes than failures.