Monday, November 3, 2014

A thought about forgiveness

The person who benefits most from forgiveness is the person who forgives.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Top 10 Worst Pieces of Advice About Affairs

1.You should never give the details of the affair. It will only make things worse.
It is important to ask and answer all of the important questions. Reveal the secrets.

2.Forget about asking your spouse to forgive you. It will never happen.
We often find that the folks who have the hardest time with forgiveness are the one who have the affair. After time, they can not understand how or why they did what they did.
Most spouses do forgive. Others learn to accept and move on and learn to appreciate the goodness in their relationship.

3.After talking about it once, that should be enough. No need to keep opening up old wounds.
You generally have to talk about it until the one who was betrayed feels that they have been heard and understood. A good therapist can help a couple establish guidelines for when and how to talk about it.

4.Affairs only happen in bad marriages.
Affairs can happen in the best of marriages. Affairs can make good marriages go bad.

5.Only “bad” people have affairs.
Good people in good marriages can be susceptible to an affair. Affairs can “creep up” on healthy people in healthy relationships.

6.When you find your soul mate, even if it is not the one you are married to, you should “go for it”.
Not counting those affairs that involve mainly hormones and sexual attraction, it is entirely possible to be in love with more than one person at a time.

7.Having more sex will affair-proof a marriage.
Many affairs are not primarily about sex. They can be about many different reasons from emotional connections to a mid-life crisis to feeling acknowledged and accepted.

8.Once someone has had an affair, they can never be trusted again.
As we have said, even good people in good marriages can have an affair. Amends can be made. Trust can be rebuilt. Forgiveness can happen.

9.You should get a divorce.
One of the worst pieces of advice we have heard about affairs is that once someone has cheated, you should divorce them. Many, many marriages are able to heal and become even healthier than before after an affair has happened.

10.An emotional affair is not at all as bad as a sexual affair. People of the opposite sex can be friends and share secrets and private information and it should be okay.

Sharing secrets and private information with another nice person is often how affairs begin … innocently and quietly. Caution is crucial in relationships with other potential partners.

Unless you have been in a situation, you never know what is really happening. Make your own decisions about your marriage and recovering from an affair based upon what you and your spouse and a competent therapist help you to decide.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Tip of the Week

When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff. 
Pat Love
While it is important to not "sweep things under the rug", it is also very important to not allow the affair to be the major focus of your conversation.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Focus on the friendship as part of the recovery

When recovering from an affair, you have to heal the relationship as well as to recover from the betrayal. Find time to focus on renewing the friendship. It will make the hard work of the recovery much easier.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Tip of the Week

People don’t just fall out of love in a marriage. If love dies, it is because they did not make their marriage a priority.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Tip of the Week

Never draw a line in your relationship because you may then be trapped into taking a step that you really do not want to take. Allow yourself time to calm down, process and talk out loud a lot about your concern before taking any action.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

How long must the conversation go on!?!

Last week I met with several new couples who are in the beginning stages of recovery from an affair. There is a common theme among those who were unfaithful … “let’s move on” and for their partners it is “we have lots to talk about.”

So .. The question for the therapist is often “how long DO you have to talk about the affair”?

The answer, of course, is different for each situation and couple but generally her are some guidelines:

* Talk about it until all of the “Who, what, when and where questions” have been answered.

* Talk about it until the hurt person feels like their spouse has a full understanding of how hurt, disappointed and angry they are.

* Talk about it until a sincere and honest apology has occurred and been acknowledged.

* Talk about it when the hurt partner needs to for the first few days. After that, find ways to limit the conversation to much smaller amounts of time in order to allow the relationship to recover.

Punishment is not the goal, recovery is most important.