When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff.
While it is important to not "sweep things under the rug", it is also very important to not allow the affair to be the major focus of your conversation.
When recovering from an affair, you have to heal the relationship as well as to recover from the betrayal. Find time to focus on renewing the friendship. It will make the hard work of the recovery much easier.
Never draw a line in your relationship because you may then be trapped into taking a step that you really do not want to take. Allow yourself time to calm down, process and talk out loud a lot about your concern before taking any action.
Last week I met with several new couples who are in the beginning stages of recovery from an affair. There is a common theme among those who were unfaithful … “let’s move on” and for their partners it is “we have lots to talk about.”
So .. The question for the therapist is often “how long DO you have to talk about the affair”?
The answer, of course, is different for each situation and couple but generally her are some guidelines:
* Talk about it until all of the “Who, what, when and where questions” have been answered.
* Talk about it until the hurt person feels like their spouse has a full understanding of how hurt, disappointed and angry they are.
* Talk about it until a sincere and honest apology has occurred and been acknowledged.
* Talk about it when the hurt partner needs to for the first few days. After that, find ways to limit the conversation to much smaller amounts of time in order to allow the relationship to recover.
Punishment is not the goal, recovery is most important.