Thursday, November 8, 2012

Affairs Develop Because of Opportunity

Studies on infidelity show that the vast number of those having an affair met their partners at work. More women are in the work force and, as they are able to earn more, they are less dependent on their husbands. This independence translates into making more independent choices which can lead to infidelity.

A recent study noted that, while problems in a marriage are high in cases of infidelity, a full two-thirds of them developed as a result of the changes in the relationship brought about by the affair.

More and more people are not planning affairs, rather they seem to occur as friendships develop and boundaries blur. Many experts agree that the biggest predictor of affairs is opportunity.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Sharing the basic details of an affair, the "who", "what", "when" and "where" is more protective of a spouse than keeping those details from them..

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Can I Ever Forgive Myself for the Damage I Have Done

Often when we see couples affected by an affair, it is the person who had the affair who has the hardest time with forgiveness.

Smart people do dumb, inconsiderate and painful things to another person and affairs have ways of luring even the smartest people into acting in ways that they never thought were possible.

When people get their normal thinking ability back, they often wonder how they could have made the choices and decisions that they did and find it hard to forgive themselves for acting so irrationally and destructively to their marriage and their spouse.

This may not be the first emotion to surface. Sometimes it is much later in the process as those who have affairs may spend a lot of energy defending their actions and blaming their spouse for the affair. Nevertheless, when they really work hard on themselves and their marriage, then reality settles in and the effect that their behavior has had on their spouse becomes more prevalent.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Do Bad Marriages Cause Affairs?

“My wife is more invested in her family than me. She is always on the phone with her mother or sister. She tells them our business. We have no privacy. If they want something, she is there. The same is not true for me. I needed someone who cared about ME.”

“My husband is always angry. His doctor said he is depressed but he will not do anything about it. He just works, golfs and drinks. I needed some relief.”

Do affairs ever happen in GOOD marriages?

All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs. In fact, some affairs happen in very good marriages. Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.

While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.

People have affairs for many different reasons.

Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.

When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.

Other times when an affair might develop are when one person is depressed or unhappy in the marriage. This can lead to a lot of complaining and negative conversation or withdrawal from a partner and life together which is very unappealing to any spouse. This might be a “chicken or egg”; however, because there are times when problems in the marriage lead to depression and unhappiness as well as times when depression or unhappiness with life events can lead to an unsatisfying marriage.

Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.

Being around friends who have or are having affairs can de-sensitize some to believe that it is accepted and okay to do as long as no one finds out about it.

Affairs can happen even in good marriages.
Even in healthy marriages an affair can happen. It can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly. A friendship can develop into more as stories, experiences, feelings, secrets and life events are shared. 

Good people in decent marriages get caught in affairs if they are not aware of establishing healthy boundaries and rules with colleagues and friends. Social media has really opened up many possibilities for affairs to develop. Connecting with high school sweethearts and old lovers can bring on old, youthful feelings of lust and love that can catch fire and grow quickly.

Those who have multiple affairs are different.

Multiple affairs usually happen for different reasons.
Multiple affairs are different. They generally indicate personal problems with the person having affairs. Some people are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs, often by the same sex parent, and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings. The causes of multiple affairs are much more complicated.

In any of these cases, however, the marriage did not cause the affair. It may have laid the groundwork but the choice to cheat was one taken by the individual and complicates the problems in the marriage dramatically.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Can I Ever Forgive My Spouse?

Your spouse may have a harder time forgiving himself or herself than you do forgiving your partner.

Unless your partner is someone who has had serial affairs, the guilt usually catches up with them. It is our experience that when someone really gets to the place of understanding and accepting the fact that they have had an affair, they often feel shame and embarrassment.

It is easier to forgive a betraying spouse when he or she has accepted full responsibility for the affair and worked on ways to make amends and build trust. Even if that never happens, however, many find that they truly forgive for themselves and their own mental health.

If you would like to find a way to forgive your partner, we can help you through that process through in person or online counseling or coaching.

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