Do Bad Marriages Cause Affairs?

“My wife is more invested in her family than me. She is always on the phone with her mother or sister. She tells them our business. We have no privacy. If they want something, she is there. The same is not true for me. I needed someone who cared about ME.”

“My husband is always angry. His doctor said he is depressed but he will not do anything about it. He just works, golfs and drinks. I needed some relief.”

Do affairs ever happen in GOOD marriages?

All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs. In fact, some affairs happen in very good marriages. Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.

While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.

People have affairs for many different reasons.

Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.

When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.

Other times when an affair might develop are when one person is depressed or unhappy in the marriage. This can lead to a lot of complaining and negative conversation or withdrawal from a partner and life together which is very unappealing to any spouse. This might be a “chicken or egg”; however, because there are times when problems in the marriage lead to depression and unhappiness as well as times when depression or unhappiness with life events can lead to an unsatisfying marriage.

Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.

Being around friends who have or are having affairs can de-sensitize some to believe that it is accepted and okay to do as long as no one finds out about it.

Affairs can happen even in good marriages.
Even in healthy marriages an affair can happen. It can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly. A friendship can develop into more as stories, experiences, feelings, secrets and life events are shared. 

Good people in decent marriages get caught in affairs if they are not aware of establishing healthy boundaries and rules with colleagues and friends. Social media has really opened up many possibilities for affairs to develop. Connecting with high school sweethearts and old lovers can bring on old, youthful feelings of lust and love that can catch fire and grow quickly.

Those who have multiple affairs are different.

Multiple affairs usually happen for different reasons.
Multiple affairs are different. They generally indicate personal problems with the person having affairs. Some people are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs, often by the same sex parent, and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings. The causes of multiple affairs are much more complicated.

In any of these cases, however, the marriage did not cause the affair. It may have laid the groundwork but the choice to cheat was one taken by the individual and complicates the problems in the marriage dramatically.

Can I Ever Forgive My Spouse?

Your spouse may have a harder time forgiving himself or herself than you do forgiving your partner.

Unless your partner is someone who has had serial affairs, the guilt usually catches up with them. It is our experience that when someone really gets to the place of understanding and accepting the fact that they have had an affair, they often feel shame and embarrassment.

It is easier to forgive a betraying spouse when he or she has accepted full responsibility for the affair and worked on ways to make amends and build trust. Even if that never happens, however, many find that they truly forgive for themselves and their own mental health.

If you would like to find a way to forgive your partner, we can help you through that process through in person or online counseling or coaching.

Contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com or CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com.

Tip of the Week

This week of Thanksgiving, take the time to sincerely and truly thank those in your life. Be specific about what you are giving thanks for … and , if possible, give them an example of how that characteristic operates in your lives together.

Some examples are: “I am so thankful that you are my friend. You are always there for me. Last month, when I was feeling overwhelmed, you appeared with a pot of soup and said that you did it … just because.” “I am so thankful that you are my spouse. Your sense of humor and playfulness really brings joy to my life. I especially like the silly notes that you leave on my bathroom mirror. You just bring a smile to my lips .. even early in the morning!” “I am so thankful that you are my child. Your hugs and kisses make me feel loved … and I will never get tired of them.”

8. Don’t give up. Recognize that marriage takes work.

Changes take time. Changing feelings usually takes longer than changing actions and thoughts. Hang in there and look for ways to be patient, positive and calm. Don't expect perfection. Accept the imperfection and focus on all of the good in the relationship. Conclusion Making your marriage affair-proof is well worth the time and effort. It does require time and attention to your relationship but the efforts are well worth it with the security that comes from knowing you are in a committed relationship.

7. Try new and different things.

One way to keep a relationship interesting is to experience new things together. One research study noted that new experiences raises the level of serotonin in the brain in the same way that an affair does (although not necessarily to the same level). Keep your relationship diverse and interesting. Look for new restaurants, movies and activities that are different and even a stretch for you and your partner.

6. Be positive and focus on the good.

No one is perfect. We can all find something to be disappointed about with our partner and our relationship. Staying focused on the negative; however, only erodes feelings of good will. It is much easier to cheat on someone you are upset with than it is someone that you really like and respect. If you find yourself thinking about the negative, stop that thought. Do you need to have a conversation with your partner about the issue or do you need to let it go? Think about good things about him or her and find ways to appreciate the good in your relationship.

5. Talk openly about sex.

While affairs are rarely just about sex, often, they may be about a need or a desire to have an active sex life … or sometimes just to be touched and held. If you are unhappy with your intimate life, talk with your partner (and not with someone else) about it.

Read more of our articles about healing from an affair on our website, Healing From Affairs.