There are many ways that faithful couples go about affair-proofing their marriage. In the next few blog entries, we will discuss some of them. We would be interested in your ideas as well. Please share them here with us.
What have you learned about making marriages work? What do you know that you want to do even more to make sure that an affair never happens in your marriage … or never happens again.
1. Start with the attitude of being certain that you will not stray.
Begin with the belief that you will guard against any relationship with another person that could lead to an affair, either an emotional one or a sexual affair.
Recognize that there are many people who are attractive and might be quite attractive to or attracted by you. That is human nature.
In order to affair-proof your marriage, shake hands with this idea but also make sure that the door is not open to exploring or taking it any further than noticing it … because you KNOW that you will not follow up on any thing outside of your marriage.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Can You Be In Love With More Than One Person?
Yes, you can. That old song “Torn Between Two Lovers” may seem smarmy; however, it also can be very real.
The love that you feel for each person may be different. No love “feels” as good as new an secretive love. Your brain chemistry changes and produces feelings of near euphoria.
Affairs can feel like real love. They may or may not be real love. Long-term love can also be very real and feel stable and secure.
We would be interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences about being in love with two people at the same time.
Interested in reading more of our articles about affairs? Click here to check out our website, Healing-from-Affairs.com.
The love that you feel for each person may be different. No love “feels” as good as new an secretive love. Your brain chemistry changes and produces feelings of near euphoria.
Affairs can feel like real love. They may or may not be real love. Long-term love can also be very real and feel stable and secure.
We would be interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences about being in love with two people at the same time.
Interested in reading more of our articles about affairs? Click here to check out our website, Healing-from-Affairs.com.
Friday, July 15, 2011
How Can My Spouse End Contact with the Affair Partner When They Work Together?
How can my spouse end contact with the affair partner when they work together?
It is hard to have a clean break from an affair partner when there is continued contact. If the affair partner was a co-worker, we often recommend that those who have affairs, consider looking for another job or ask for a transfer to another unit or shift.
There are times when that is not possible, especially in today’s economy when jobs are often hard to get. If that is the case we recommend a few ways to build trust when there may be contact.
1. Avoid any contact possible. Be clear with the affair partner, with the spouse’s knowledge, that you are purposely avoiding them and will not engage in any conversation that is not crucial for the job.
2. If there is or will be any contact, immediately let your spouse know. Share any details requested about the nature of the contact. The trust has to be rebuilt. Secrets do not help rebuild trust. Leaving things out constitute a secret.
3. Consider an accountability partner at work. This can be someone who has been informed about the affair, is trusted by both spouses, and is willing to answer questions from the hurt partner about any contact between their spouse and the affairee.
4. Be open about any email, phone or other contact. If possible, make calls in front of the spouse and copy him or her on any email.
We would be interested in any ideas or suggestions that you might have about how to build trust when affair partners continue to work together.
Want a personal consultation about your relationship? We provide counseling live and online. Click here to find out more from our website, Counseling Relationships Online.
It is hard to have a clean break from an affair partner when there is continued contact. If the affair partner was a co-worker, we often recommend that those who have affairs, consider looking for another job or ask for a transfer to another unit or shift.
There are times when that is not possible, especially in today’s economy when jobs are often hard to get. If that is the case we recommend a few ways to build trust when there may be contact.
1. Avoid any contact possible. Be clear with the affair partner, with the spouse’s knowledge, that you are purposely avoiding them and will not engage in any conversation that is not crucial for the job.
2. If there is or will be any contact, immediately let your spouse know. Share any details requested about the nature of the contact. The trust has to be rebuilt. Secrets do not help rebuild trust. Leaving things out constitute a secret.
3. Consider an accountability partner at work. This can be someone who has been informed about the affair, is trusted by both spouses, and is willing to answer questions from the hurt partner about any contact between their spouse and the affairee.
4. Be open about any email, phone or other contact. If possible, make calls in front of the spouse and copy him or her on any email.
We would be interested in any ideas or suggestions that you might have about how to build trust when affair partners continue to work together.
Want a personal consultation about your relationship? We provide counseling live and online. Click here to find out more from our website, Counseling Relationships Online.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
What Does “Full Disclosure” Mean?
Couples often have different ideas about what kind of information needs to be disclosed after an affair has been uncovered. Different therapists may have different ideas; however, we believe that full disclosure, after an affair, is in order. There is no other way to build trust if secrets remain.
Full disclosure means answering basic questions of “who, what, when and where” regarding the affair. It does not mean specific details of sexual experiences but does mean that details about frequency and meeting places during the affair are revealed.
Spouses who have been unfaithful usually do not want to talk about the details and those who have been on the “betrayed” end of the affair, often feel a need to have too much information. (For some, however, it may be that they don’t want to know details and this can be a problem as well.)
Full disclosure means answering basic questions of “who, what, when and where” regarding the affair. It does not mean specific details of sexual experiences but does mean that details about frequency and meeting places during the affair are revealed.
Spouses who have been unfaithful usually do not want to talk about the details and those who have been on the “betrayed” end of the affair, often feel a need to have too much information. (For some, however, it may be that they don’t want to know details and this can be a problem as well.)
Friday, June 17, 2011
My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?
My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?
The odds of an affair ending in a marriage are slim. One research study noted that only 10% of affairs lead to a successful marriage, so, the odds are in your favor. Especially if your marriage was in a fairly steady state before the affair began.
When people have affairs, they generally re-write the story of the marriage. For a while, those having an affair only think about the negative aspects of their spouse and their marriage. The intense reaction of excitement and euphoria that comes from this new relationship also leads to a belief in the “one true love” of their affair partner.
With time, peace and patience, healthy thinking and good judgment often returns.
For now, work on yourself. Talk with a professional, read self-help books about healthy marriages and being a healthy partner. Give your wife space … as hard as that seems to be. If you have children, stay connected with them in stable, loving ways. (Do NOT talk with them about the affair or say bad things about their mother.) Develop friendships with other men and couples. Learn a new hobby or return to ones that brought you pleasure in the past.
Would you like some coaching or help from a professional counselor who has helped many couples survive and heal from affairs? We are available in person or online. Click this link for our online counseling site, Counseling Relationships Online. Find out more about us and how we might work together.
The odds of an affair ending in a marriage are slim. One research study noted that only 10% of affairs lead to a successful marriage, so, the odds are in your favor. Especially if your marriage was in a fairly steady state before the affair began.
When people have affairs, they generally re-write the story of the marriage. For a while, those having an affair only think about the negative aspects of their spouse and their marriage. The intense reaction of excitement and euphoria that comes from this new relationship also leads to a belief in the “one true love” of their affair partner.
With time, peace and patience, healthy thinking and good judgment often returns.
For now, work on yourself. Talk with a professional, read self-help books about healthy marriages and being a healthy partner. Give your wife space … as hard as that seems to be. If you have children, stay connected with them in stable, loving ways. (Do NOT talk with them about the affair or say bad things about their mother.) Develop friendships with other men and couples. Learn a new hobby or return to ones that brought you pleasure in the past.
Would you like some coaching or help from a professional counselor who has helped many couples survive and heal from affairs? We are available in person or online. Click this link for our online counseling site, Counseling Relationships Online. Find out more about us and how we might work together.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
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