Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Do Marriages Ever Make it After an Affair?
Many marriages do recover from an affair. The main difference for those that do recover is a desire to find a way to work through it and a commitment on the part of both partners to do what they need to do to make it work.
In couples who have experienced an affair, it may be quite difficult to walk the path through the “yuck” and out again. Often it is back and forth and in and out of easier and harder times.
Ending affairs are rarely easy and often they go through several “endings” before they are truly over.
Letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment takes time and, again, hard work.
Forgiveness does not come easy. Often it is harder for the partner who had the affair to forgive him or herself than it is for the betrayed one.
Getting over loving feelings for the affaire’ and falling back in love with a spouse may also take some time.
The commitment, desire and motivation to work together is an important factor that encourages spouses to hang in and solve the problems related to or caused by the affair.
One research study noted that 70% of couples who had that desire and commitment reported recovery from the aftermath and were satisfied that they made the decision to remain in the marriage.
In couples who have experienced an affair, it may be quite difficult to walk the path through the “yuck” and out again. Often it is back and forth and in and out of easier and harder times.
Ending affairs are rarely easy and often they go through several “endings” before they are truly over.
Letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment takes time and, again, hard work.
Forgiveness does not come easy. Often it is harder for the partner who had the affair to forgive him or herself than it is for the betrayed one.
Getting over loving feelings for the affaire’ and falling back in love with a spouse may also take some time.
The commitment, desire and motivation to work together is an important factor that encourages spouses to hang in and solve the problems related to or caused by the affair.
One research study noted that 70% of couples who had that desire and commitment reported recovery from the aftermath and were satisfied that they made the decision to remain in the marriage.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Tip of the Week
There Is a Hole in My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
Monday, April 25, 2011
What Does “Transparency” Mean When Healing from an Affair?
Most therapists who are working with couples who have experienced infidelity will push the unfaithful party to be transparent with their behavior until trust has been redeveloped.
While to the “offending” party, this may very well seem intrusive and overwhelming, to the relationship it is crucial. It says to the hurt partner that “my life is an open book” and I will tell you everything that you want and need to know.
How to be transparent when healing an affair is best left up to the one who has had the affair as an effort to build trust. When the hurt partner is asking or checking, it is destructive for both and for the relationship.
Transparency means opening up cell phones and email, refraining from deleting any messages and sharing any chance or intended meetings with the affair partner. It means sharing agendas and plans and keeping the spouse informed of daily activities. It certainly can feel a burden; and yet, it is so crucial to building trust.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Tip of the Week
People don’t just fall out of love in a marriage. If love dies, it is because they did not make their marriage a priority.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Why Is It So Hard To End An Affair?
Many affairs are hard to end because of feelings, emotions, proximity and “brain chemistry”.
Many affairs that have continued over time grew out of friendship. They may have started as neighbors, co-workers or longtime friendships and a spark was ignited as time together or certain experiences enhanced positive feelings for each other. Even after making the decision to end the affair, it may be hard because of caring, warm and loving feelings that seem to be very real.
Other emotions that may contribute to having difficulty ending an affair have to do with emotions such as appreciation, respect, excitement and companionship that tie people together. This is why affair recovery work involves understanding the impact of the affair and finding ways to find those emotions inside of the marriage.
Proximity can also make it hard to break off an affair. When living near or working with someone you are attracted to and have had a relationship with, it is hard to let go of memories and contact. (A clean break is always best.) While resolve to end the affair may be strong at first, it can easily weaken with ongoing contact.
Affairs, new experiences, actually involve a release of increased serotonin in the brain which brings about an increased sense of happiness and excitement. This change in brain chemistry is, in itself, seductive. Who would want to let go of that? When this change is linked to an affair partner, it is hard to give up the “drug” that provides an overall sense of happiness and well-being.
Many affairs that have continued over time grew out of friendship. They may have started as neighbors, co-workers or longtime friendships and a spark was ignited as time together or certain experiences enhanced positive feelings for each other. Even after making the decision to end the affair, it may be hard because of caring, warm and loving feelings that seem to be very real.
Other emotions that may contribute to having difficulty ending an affair have to do with emotions such as appreciation, respect, excitement and companionship that tie people together. This is why affair recovery work involves understanding the impact of the affair and finding ways to find those emotions inside of the marriage.
Proximity can also make it hard to break off an affair. When living near or working with someone you are attracted to and have had a relationship with, it is hard to let go of memories and contact. (A clean break is always best.) While resolve to end the affair may be strong at first, it can easily weaken with ongoing contact.
Affairs, new experiences, actually involve a release of increased serotonin in the brain which brings about an increased sense of happiness and excitement. This change in brain chemistry is, in itself, seductive. Who would want to let go of that? When this change is linked to an affair partner, it is hard to give up the “drug” that provides an overall sense of happiness and well-being.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Tip of the Week
If you have had an affair and want to save your marriage, you want to find ways to accept responsibility for the affair rather than blaming it on the problems in the marriage.
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