My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?
The odds of an affair ending in a marriage are slim. One research study noted that only 10% of affairs lead to a successful marriage, so, the odds are in your favor. Especially if your marriage was in a fairly steady state before the affair began.
When people have affairs, they generally re-write the story of the marriage. For a while, those having an affair only think about the negative aspects of their spouse and their marriage. The intense reaction of excitement and euphoria that comes from this new relationship also leads to a belief in the “one true love” of their affair partner.
With time, peace and patience, healthy thinking and good judgment often returns.
For now, work on yourself. Talk with a professional, read self-help books about healthy marriages and being a healthy partner. Give your wife space … as hard as that seems to be. If you have children, stay connected with them in stable, loving ways. (Do NOT talk with them about the affair or say bad things about their mother.) Develop friendships with other men and couples. Learn a new hobby or return to ones that brought you pleasure in the past.
Would you like some coaching or help from a professional counselor who has helped many couples survive and heal from affairs? We are available in person or online. Click this link for our online counseling site, Counseling Relationships Online. Find out more about us and how we might work together.
Showing posts with label ending an affair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ending an affair. Show all posts
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Why Is It So Hard To End An Affair?
Many affairs are hard to end because of feelings, emotions, proximity and “brain chemistry”.
Many affairs that have continued over time grew out of friendship. They may have started as neighbors, co-workers or longtime friendships and a spark was ignited as time together or certain experiences enhanced positive feelings for each other. Even after making the decision to end the affair, it may be hard because of caring, warm and loving feelings that seem to be very real.
Other emotions that may contribute to having difficulty ending an affair have to do with emotions such as appreciation, respect, excitement and companionship that tie people together. This is why affair recovery work involves understanding the impact of the affair and finding ways to find those emotions inside of the marriage.
Proximity can also make it hard to break off an affair. When living near or working with someone you are attracted to and have had a relationship with, it is hard to let go of memories and contact. (A clean break is always best.) While resolve to end the affair may be strong at first, it can easily weaken with ongoing contact.
Affairs, new experiences, actually involve a release of increased serotonin in the brain which brings about an increased sense of happiness and excitement. This change in brain chemistry is, in itself, seductive. Who would want to let go of that? When this change is linked to an affair partner, it is hard to give up the “drug” that provides an overall sense of happiness and well-being.
Many affairs that have continued over time grew out of friendship. They may have started as neighbors, co-workers or longtime friendships and a spark was ignited as time together or certain experiences enhanced positive feelings for each other. Even after making the decision to end the affair, it may be hard because of caring, warm and loving feelings that seem to be very real.
Other emotions that may contribute to having difficulty ending an affair have to do with emotions such as appreciation, respect, excitement and companionship that tie people together. This is why affair recovery work involves understanding the impact of the affair and finding ways to find those emotions inside of the marriage.
Proximity can also make it hard to break off an affair. When living near or working with someone you are attracted to and have had a relationship with, it is hard to let go of memories and contact. (A clean break is always best.) While resolve to end the affair may be strong at first, it can easily weaken with ongoing contact.
Affairs, new experiences, actually involve a release of increased serotonin in the brain which brings about an increased sense of happiness and excitement. This change in brain chemistry is, in itself, seductive. Who would want to let go of that? When this change is linked to an affair partner, it is hard to give up the “drug” that provides an overall sense of happiness and well-being.
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