Can I Ever Forgive My Spouse?

Your spouse may have a harder time forgiving himself or herself than you do forgiving your partner.

Unless your partner is someone who has had serial affairs, the guilt usually catches up with them. It is our experience that when someone really gets to the place of understanding and accepting the fact that they have had an affair, they often feel shame and embarrassment.

It is easier to forgive a betraying spouse when he or she has accepted full responsibility for the affair and worked on ways to make amends and build trust. Even if that never happens, however, many find that they truly forgive for themselves and their own mental health.

If you would like to find a way to forgive your partner, we can help you through that process through in person or online counseling or coaching.

Contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com or CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com.

Tip of the Week

This week of Thanksgiving, take the time to sincerely and truly thank those in your life. Be specific about what you are giving thanks for … and , if possible, give them an example of how that characteristic operates in your lives together.

Some examples are: “I am so thankful that you are my friend. You are always there for me. Last month, when I was feeling overwhelmed, you appeared with a pot of soup and said that you did it … just because.” “I am so thankful that you are my spouse. Your sense of humor and playfulness really brings joy to my life. I especially like the silly notes that you leave on my bathroom mirror. You just bring a smile to my lips .. even early in the morning!” “I am so thankful that you are my child. Your hugs and kisses make me feel loved … and I will never get tired of them.”

8. Don’t give up. Recognize that marriage takes work.

Changes take time. Changing feelings usually takes longer than changing actions and thoughts. Hang in there and look for ways to be patient, positive and calm. Don't expect perfection. Accept the imperfection and focus on all of the good in the relationship. Conclusion Making your marriage affair-proof is well worth the time and effort. It does require time and attention to your relationship but the efforts are well worth it with the security that comes from knowing you are in a committed relationship.

7. Try new and different things.

One way to keep a relationship interesting is to experience new things together. One research study noted that new experiences raises the level of serotonin in the brain in the same way that an affair does (although not necessarily to the same level). Keep your relationship diverse and interesting. Look for new restaurants, movies and activities that are different and even a stretch for you and your partner.

6. Be positive and focus on the good.

No one is perfect. We can all find something to be disappointed about with our partner and our relationship. Staying focused on the negative; however, only erodes feelings of good will. It is much easier to cheat on someone you are upset with than it is someone that you really like and respect. If you find yourself thinking about the negative, stop that thought. Do you need to have a conversation with your partner about the issue or do you need to let it go? Think about good things about him or her and find ways to appreciate the good in your relationship.

5. Talk openly about sex.

While affairs are rarely just about sex, often, they may be about a need or a desire to have an active sex life … or sometimes just to be touched and held. If you are unhappy with your intimate life, talk with your partner (and not with someone else) about it.

Read more of our articles about healing from an affair on our website, Healing From Affairs.

4. Talk openly about attractions to and from others.

Here is a tip that might seem like the absolutely worst thing to do; however, it is important. Don't keep secrets!

There are a lot of interesting and attractive people in this world. Some of those people might be ones that you see on a regular basis at work, in groups or in the neighborhood. Share your notice of these others with your spouse. Don’t keep it a secret. Talk together about how you might deal with that interest effectively.